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[snaps]

Bless you! Have a couple of stable girls warm the bed up for me as well.

[fish]

Bless you! Have a couple of stable girls warm the bed up for me as well.

Already in hand. (So to speak).

[snaps]

Steady now. Stable girls can be a bit wild and rough. Make sure they don't take you for a ride. As Confuscius said ''He who rides tiger should expect tricky journey''.

[fish]

Steady now. Stable girls can be a bit wild and rough.

You're saying that like it's a bad thing.

[snaps]

Caveat Canem! don't say I didn't warn you! I should send you over Lambrusco, the one we call ''Bubbles". She would put you through your paces very thoroughly, but is a bit heavy-handed in use of the lunge whip, meh heh heh

[fish]

(Hurriedly looks for emoticons for "fear", "terror", even "trepidation" would do. Fails miserably again.) (Goes crazy instead.)

Sounds like my kind of woman, if only she was a little more simian and a little less equine.

[snaps]

Poor Lambrusco At least her mother >>>>> had a sense of humor, but imagine being a kid named after the drink you were conceived on. Her knuckles do indeed graze the ground so she is semi-semian After a thorough shave and waxing she scrubs up quite presentably

[fish]

Poor Lambrusco At least her mother >>>>> had a sense of humor, but imagine being a kid named after the drink you were conceived on. Her knuckles do indeed graze the ground so she is semi-semian After a thorough shave and waxing she scrubs up quite presentably

Sounds wonderful. Is she one of the three?
And the waxing. I must know more about the waxing.

[snaps]

Bubbles is indeed one of the three gorgons for the price of one.

I will spare you details of the waxing. I do hope you are not eating as you read this Suffice to say I start with her shoulder blades and work downwards. The trickiest bit is negotiating a Flymo hover mower round her armpits.

[fish]

Now I know you're being silly. You'll never get the Flymo there, you need to use an Ozito.

[snaps]

I had to look that one up, but yeh you're pretty close Of course as you descend into the fertile jungle delta a flame-thrower and machete are required

[fish]

That's probably a little more information than I needed just now.
It think my breakfast coffee is coming back for a revisit. Hey, is that you on the phone... Ralph.

[snaps]

I shall keep my thoughts to myself then and wrap it up in a nice little story called The Forbidden Forest of Lambrusco, a tantalising tale of intrepid explorers and their attempts to penetrate the steamy jungle depths in search of the Magic Cave of delicious delights.

[fish]

No really, I was only kidding. Wasn't that a movie or something, Lambrusco's Heavenly Delights? Can't I take this adventure with you?

By the way, since you last spoke to her, Moa has been a little rambunctious. She's been listening to Rammstein and going down to the Ramsgate Hotel for long lunches. What on earth did you say to her?

[snaps]

Moa has been ringing me up in the middle of the night. I think you upset her with your remarks about her being mutton dressed as lamb. I don't speak Sheepish so I don't understand too good, but I did catch the word ''baaaah - stard" . Anyhow she's moving on in her career and is aiming to become Miss Australia. She's planning to wear her wool in mini-dreadlocks and do drugs. She's gotten herself agent now called Shaun Lamb who has promised her a part in a remake of Rambo, but so far she hasn't got up from the casting couch, she just loves it there.