gay - bi - lesbian

[musicluver990]

I know, I know, I'm terrible!

[Narcissus]

Yes you are, but we love you anyway

[Anny]

to come back to my old topic (yeeears ago...) yesterday i decided to not call myself a lesbian ever again. i found out that i'm still in love with my best friend (since 2 years or even longer...) actually she's the only one that is so close to me, unfornunately she's hetero (at least she thinks that way...) but - like i told you some time ago - she kissed me when she was drunk (that's the real reason why i don't drink alcohol anymore. you don't know what you're doing...) but it's a saying that drunk people and little children always say the truth isn't it? well, something like that... i think alcohol opens a way to the inner soul of people, they don't think about what they're saying (that would better fit to the "alcohol-discussion" i know... but i already wrote it there too i think...) anyway... now i think, in the view of the fact, that all people are bisexual by nature, one can't say that one is this or that... i mean it's all (i don't know how to explain that...) i mean it's all about love and love is not rational and we can't decide whom to love as well... (although... when i think about it... maybe i would choose her even then...) and if i say i'm lesbian that sounds like i wanted to fuck all women on earth (and some people really think like that... sad sad...) but it isn't that way... i mean it's a 50:50 chance... (apart from that it's always a 50:50 chance in everything we do!) i think it's a thing that is in our brains. i think we're all here to find the right wo/man to live with... someone that we trust more than ourselves... and of course we would lose a lot of time when we would have to decide by every person if s/he could be the one... so our brain remembers after a while if THE ONE is a man or a woman. so it's "just" a half of all people... i mean why can't a man not totally act like a woman or the other way round? (i don't think about sex on that point! it's just about love, the real and only, eternal and immortal love...) i came on that thought because of what paulie said in "lost & delirious" (and now that i think about it i think it's true!) so i'm no lesbian anymore! i just know that it will be a girl when it is about sex... but it doesn't mean that my soulmate (THE ONE, you know...) can't be a boy... it's just that i feel like i already found THE ONE... and it's a girl... and that's another point... i think i could do without sex... i just think about what marcus said in "about a boy"... he said that he wants to be together with that girl the whole day, share his deepest thoughts with her and he doesn't want her to have another boy and then it doesn't matter to touch her... if i had to decide, i would choose this way to be with her...

[sydney]

I see what you mean Anny. It is not the same or other sex you fall in love with. It is the person, man or woman, you want to spend your time with. I saw Brokeback mountain tonight. It is a story about two 'cowboys' who are all alone up in the mountains with only themselves and the sheep. They fall in love with each other. But it happens when they are drunk. One of them was not gay at all. But after this event he totally falls in love with the other person, who in this case is a man. An unusual love story. It is more unusual because of the setting in the mountains down south in the U.S. It has your message all over it Anny... Why call ourselves lesbian or gay? And why pinpoint ourselves into categories?

[Semia]

And why pinpoint ourselves into categories?

I think that is a major issue humans have. Through naming or better through differentiating something we give shape to things, where never would be one. These categories may never have existed. I mean homosexuality isn't a theme of modern times but the problem is still there.
If homosexuality were an "ordinary" thing, people wouldn't react like they sometimes do (some even with disgust).
I've found a quotation of a polish author:

"Liebe heißt, sich mit der Wirklichkeit begnügen."
translated:
"Love means, to be content with reality."

I liked it very much because there was so much....truth in it ; )

[Anny]

thanks for your answers! i think i'm going to tell her soon (again i mean...) i already told her one or two years ago, but i think she didn't take it serious... maybe she didn't want it to be true... i don't know... another point is, that once she said she would be rather alone for a lifetime than falling in love with a girl... i don't know where that comes from, but i will find out! i will write her a letter and tell her everything... my only fear is that i'll lose her because of that... and i think that would really kill me...

[sydney]

Anny good luck... I know this takes a lot of courage. Honousty sometimes is not easy, but in many cases it is the right thing to do.

[Anny]

i did it. i wrote her a letter and told her everything... it took me 3 days and 12 pages... but i have the feeling that this letter will never reach her... i don't know why... and i read a few of her old letters (well... very old...) and i really had the feeling that she feels something for me too... (at least if she wouldn't call it 'love'...) but i think i have a little chance... i can't wait for her next letter! (i will post everything in here! )

[Narcissus]

we're waiting

[ioana]

...and we're hoping..

[Anny]

i think now there's no hope anymore... she still thinks that she's hetero... and the worst thing that could happen would be that she never talkes to me again... (she thinks we're not that similar anymore...) although i always thought that we would be friends forever... now i know that i was stupid to tell her... and i was stupid to believe that it was love what i felt for her... actually i don't even know what it means to love or to be loved... i guess she has a problem with the fact that i'm a lesbian (even if she says the opposite...) i can only hope that we're still friends... without her i would be really really lost (think about paulie in "lost & delirious"...)